This Christmas gift with these sweet girls’ names on it is perhaps one of the best gifts I’ve received – the tangible knowledge that they are mine – that I am loved and life does give second chances….

I thought all my chances – to be a grandparent – to be a parent – to be happy….I thought they all died with Tasha.

I was so stuck on the thoughts that to be happy and to accept the thought of happiness would be an insult to Tash and her memory. People would say: “Tash would want you to be happy” – “Tash would want you to go on” – so many things like that. It always made me think that they never knew Tash – she had a BAD case of FOMO, before FOMO was a thing. There was no way I could even start to believe that she would want me to be happy without her.

I pushed away people – I held my “boundaries” so high and strong that no one could get through. When people complimented me, I became angry. I closed my eyes and walked away from so many blessings.

In January, it will be 13 years since Tasha left us. I never thought I would make it this far. I still cannot believe it is real – it happened yesterday – it happened a lifetime ago.

The last couple of years have been full of opportunities and full of challenges. Most of those challenges have been self-inflicted – “holding the line” – making sure I was being loyal to Tash and her memory.

Over a year ago, I was given a couple of opportunities. But, like most things, I was afraid to reach out – afraid to accept them – I could only think how I would be hurt if it didn’t work out – when it didn’t work out. I didn’t call my therapist – I didn’t talk to Hans about it – I didn’t talk to my friends – for once, I just moved forward, held on tight and tried to trust.

There are many things still in process – but so much progress has been made and I’m so happy to say that there is so much more room to grow.

I have a son…I have two granddaughters…I have other family members that I can’t put names to yet…I have so much….

Happy New Year to us….🥂