Sometimes, we start over…

This is Tash…Natasha Courtney Knobel…she was born July 31, 1984…on a Tuesday…she died on January 7,2012…on a Saturday.

Her death is why I’m starting over…why I keep starting over…because sometimes I need to start over every day…every hour…every minute…

This smile – it’s the one that gave me purpose. It’s the reason I know what unconditional loves feels like – to give it – and, to receive it.

She was the first person I met who was related to me by blood. She never introduced me as her”adopted” anything. I was just her mom – her mommy. (I still am, in case you’re wondering.)

She was my world. She’s why I finished school – she’s why I never went to jail – the reason I got divorced (because I would never want her to see a woman treated badly) – the reason I became a teacher – the reason why I stayed home and cut coupons (because, you know, there’s nothing better than being there when your kid gets out of school everyday full of stories) – the reason why I donated my kidney – the reason I suffered from lack of sleep – and the reason I felt complete.

Tash was so many things. When I tell people she died, they ask how – when. But, she was so much more than that last day.

She live 27 years, 5 months and 7 days – she lived for 10,021 days – she LIVED those days. And, one day she died…that one day does not – cannot – define her life.

That one day was awful – it was terrible – it was the worst day of my life. But, thankfully, for Tash, it was not a painful day. I believe it was worse for me than it was for her. She had had a good night out with her friends – she was at home – in her own bed – with her dog – not hooked to any machine. She just went to sleep.

Oh, I don’t believe that she wanted to die. Tasha and I had many conversations – especially in days previous to her death. It’s like she knew. Even though, she was doing well – with no signs of impending death, she just knew. She was afraid…

And, that does haunt me. I hope it was easy to transition – I hope she never woke up…or was scared…I hope…

So, here I am again…without my girl – starting over…tomorrow, I may start over again…and, maybe the day after that…but, my success rate for surviving is still at 100%…so, I will start over as often as I need to until my time here is over…

Missing Tash…as I do everyday…

One thought on “Sometimes, we start over…

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