Happy birthday, Tasha!

Today is Tasha’s birthday. I have been really trying to keep things calm this year, as it got closer. I stayed busier than normal, slept even less and have ran until my toes bled – but, sadly, you cannot outrun the heart. And, no matter how hard I’ve worked to fool my head, my heart always knows what day it is.

So tomorrow, Tash would have been 32 – instead, she is forever 27. These last four years have been the hardest of my life. I’m still not too sure what comes next, as I struggle to find purpose without Tash.

I make mistakes – some days, I take one step forward and two steps back. Some days, I’m so focused on what’s missing, I forget to see the blessings of what is here. Other days, I think I’m finding my way, only to wake up the next day to feeling completely lost.

Tash was a beautiful spirit who taught me so much. I never knew how much I was learning until she was gone. I love her still with all my heart. At 15, I looked into the face of the first person I had ever seen with my blood running through her veins. I had never known – and will never know again – love like that — an unconditional, heart-tightening love – a love that is so strong that it is almost a physical ache. It was then I knew what unconditional love was – I never knew I could feel a love like that.

Some say we were too close – told each other too much – but, if you ask me, we could never be close enough. I feel her still some days – in the breeze – over my shoulder – reading a new book – watching the latest movie – whispering in my ear. And, the rest of my life, no matter how good the days are, will be a countdown until I see her again face-to-face and hear her say “Hello, mommy…”

Happy birthday, Tash – I miss you – and, as always, I love you more…💙

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