This is my fourth Christmas without you. I never thought I would make it through one. I miss you – I always miss you. My life is incomplete without your voice, your laugh, your touch….my future will never be complete without holding you and your children in my arms.
I wake at night, aching so deeply that it is indescribable. I don’t know how to explain the kind of pain you that leaves me gasping for breath and hoping it won’t come at the same time.
Grief is so exhausting. I find it difficult to get up and get moving sometimes. Some days, like when I want to type this post, I cannot get my brain to function. I lay down at night and I can’t get my brain to shut off! It’s exhausting to try to keep up with the emotional rollercoaster that your death left me on.
For some reason, this last month feels like the months of the first year – but, without the fog – so, it seems like the hardest time ever. That fog of the first year protected me – it kept me safe.
Now, I look in the mirror and I see the mom who failed you in so many ways. Others will not tell me that – even if they agree – but, you and I, we know the truth. It was my job to protect you – that didn’t end when you turned 18. That should have never ended. I’m so very sorry for my weaknesses and failures…everyone says there is nothing to be forgiven for…or that if I did make mistakes, you forgive me, but, I’m not sure that’s true. And, I’m not sure it matters, if I cannot forgive myself.
You were my world – from the moment I knew you existed, my world was changed. You gave me life – you gave me hope and the fight I needed to make a life for you. And, I really did try to make it a good one. I wanted you to be happy – and, healthy. I lost the battle for healthy…
And, it’s just not fair…you deserved so much better – you deserved the moon and stars and everything else the world had to offer. I’ll never understand why you didn’t get it – why you couldn’t stay here with me – why you never got that second kidney. It’s all just so unfair. I always told you life wasn’t fair – but, this kind of unfairness – I never saw it coming.
I’m so sorry I failed you when you needed me most, Tash. I try to remember everything good and I’ve worked so hard to be happy again without you. But, no matter how bright the smile, there’s always that surrounding sadness for failing you – for having a good time without you – for seeing the things you would have loved to see. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you what you truly needed.
But, you always had a smile for others. You tried so hard to live – and, live you did! You just deserved more!
Merry Christmas in Heaven…see you soon…
Love you more…