Merry Christmas, Tash

Merry Christmas in Heaven, Tash.

This is our last picture together – Christmas Eve 2011. Had I know what was coming 13 days later, I never would have let you go. Seven Christmases without you. How is that even possible?!

But, I’m still here – I never thought I would make it this far. I travel a lot and see you everywhere. I travel for us. I still struggle with my place in this world without you. It’s so hard, Tash. All I ever wanted to be was a mom and I felt that opportunity left with you. Yes, I will always be your mom – but, it’s not the same. De calls me “mom” now and I treasure the world. No one will ever call me “mommy” again. The holidays are a terrible reminder of all I have lost. But, yet, we push through. De & Haley are here too. There are here – but, not to replace you. Your chair is still empty – your presence is still missed. They are here to celebrate the family we still have. And, I am thankful for that. I still have days where I can’t accept your absence – where it doesn’t feel real. I still fight to say “it’s not fair” – my prayer is that what I believe in is true – that your health and body are restored – that you are happy. I pray that I will see you again – that I will be able to hold you in my arms and hear you laugh again. I pray that all has not been in vain.

We are okay, Tash. We miss you / you completed our family. But, in ways, you are still here in every corner.

Merry Christmas in Heaven, Tash. I miss you so…

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